I’m feeling suicidal and depressed. I have also been diagnosed with c-ptsd (complex post traumatic stress disorder). My husband seems to not want anything to do with me anymore. He is always cold, distant and ignores me. When he isn’t ignoring me, he makes fun of me. I’m feeling alone, depressed and want to end my life. My faith is almost gone and I don’t feel human at this point. Like I’m less than everything and everyone and that dying would make the world a better place. I’m deeply hurting and I don’t know how to get myself out of this dark place. I feel like I’m unworthy of any help but I need advice on what to do.
الجواب حامدا ومصليا ومسلما
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Firstly, we are sorry to hear of the difficulties and trials you have endured. Indeed, every challenge that you refer to is decreed by Allah, Al-Hakeem (the most-wise). He knows why he has put you in this situation. Be rest assured that you have the ability to deal with all the challenges you are facing, just as you have come so far in acknowledging all the issues you have encountered.
Thereafter, we address some of the specific aspects you mention in your query:
Hardship/Difficulty of your past
Indeed, Allah Almighty has made this life a test for us. Sometimes we face stubborn challenges that hold us back from our dreams. They keep us ‘stuck’ and slow down our journey to fulfilling our potential, being more productive, and living life with purpose and passion.
Allah Almighty states in the Holy Qur’an, “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits; give good tidings to the patient ones.” [Al-Baqarah, Ayah 155]
Therefore, the question arises, how can we overcome the losses, challenges, and disappointments that are inevitable in life? How can we carry on with our lives to fulfil our ultimate purpose and maintain a strong connection with Allah Almighty? How can we heal those wounds and overcome those worries, so we can live our life to the fullest and step up to what we could potentially do to make a positive difference in the world?
First and foremost, it is vital for us to believe that no matter how difficult things seem, Allah Almighty reminds us that with hardship, there is ease.
فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا – إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا
Translation: ‘So, Verily, with hardship, there is relief. Verily, with hardship, there is relief. (Al-Inshirāh, Ayah 5-6)
Thus, we must look for the ease amidst the hardships, the joy amidst the sadness, the strength amidst the weakness, and the healing amidst the hurtfulness. Allah is taking care of you every step of the way. We just have to pray, believe, listen, and wonder in amazement at the gifts Allah showers you with. This world is a temporary place and as such, the difficulties and joys of this world are also temporary. The hereafter is permanent, and the joys and difficulties of the hereafter are permanent. Any person of insight would not jeopardise his/her permanent abode for something temporary.
Nabi ﷺ states: ‘No pain, hardship, sickness or grief befalls a Muslim; not even worry that befalls him, but some of his bad deeds will be expiated. (Sahih Muslim, 4798)
Thus, in the time of difficulty, it is important to try to stay positive. Here are some ways, you can achieve this:
a) Be optimistic and try to change your paradigm (pattern of thoughts). Do not view these difficulties as a punishment, but rather as a means of cleansing and reward.
b) Remember that you are a special creation of Allah. You are created by the will of Allah. Allah’s focus was directed on you, hence, your existence. Value your existence and love yourself. Do not depend on someone’s love for you.
c) Dispel any thoughts of negativity and do not let yourself dwell on them.
d) Regard every day as a new day and opportunity. Do not let that which occurred in previous days affect your emotions on a new day.
e) Identify the positive things that occur in your day and focus your attention on them. Spend time being grateful for those things.
f) Seek to build your connection with Allah Almighty through supplicating to him (making Du’a) for all your needs, regular daily recitation of the Qur’an and Tasbīh/Adhkār, so you can seek to gain solace in the Deen, as Allah Almighty outlines in the Qur’an, ‘so that you may attain a state of contentment.’ (Surah Ta’ha: ‘Ayah 130). When we glorify Allah, we have a direct link with Him, and one who maintains such a link is content and reassured. He is reassured because he knows that, with Allah’s help, he is safe and secure. Thus, contentment is the fruit of tasbīh and worship.
g) We recommend that you read some literature to help develop a positive mindset, such as:
1. Don’t be Sad (Dr Aaidh al-Qarni)
2. Enjoy your life (Dr Muhammad al-‘Arifi)
Insha’Allah, both of these books will assist you in developing positivity.
h) If possible, try to implement some physical exercise into your daily routine such as a little walking near your house or even some general exercises within your home. This will assist you in developing some self-confidence Insha’Allah.
i) You may wish to read specific Adhkār (Supplications) such as,
لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ الْعَظِيمُ الْحَلِيمُ، لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ، لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ السَّمَوَاتِ وَرَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْكَرِيمِ
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) used to say at the time of difficulty, ‘None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Majestic, the Most Forbearing. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Tremendous Throne. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Heavens and the Lord of the Honourable Throne.’ (Sahih Al Bukhari, 7431)
Insha’Allah, setting a daily target of reading this specific supplication, alongside your five times daily Salāh (Prayer), recitation of the Holy Qur’an and making Dua’ (supplicating for your needs to Allah), will enable you to boost your connection with Allah and assist you in converting your feelings of despondency and sadness into positive thoughts.
Seeking Professional Help
In addition to all these practical steps you can implement, you should also perhaps consider seeking professional help regarding your Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There are professionals in the field of mental health that can definitely assist you Insha’Allah. You should consider looking for these services around you, as they are often closer to home than we initially realise.
Finally, we understand that many of your issues including those of your mental state, are linked to the treatment of your spouse towards you. We recommend that you take up the issue with a senior influential member of the family and a local Imam, if possible, so that they can address these issues with him. Should this be of no avail, please consider marriage counselling. This can solve many issues that are seemingly irreparable.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best.
11 Rajab 1442 / 23 February 2021
Mufti Tahir Wadee | Mufti Yusuf Ilolvi
[To see their profiles, click here]
Note: This fatwa is only to be viewed with the question asked. In the event of presenting this to a third party, please ensure it is coupled with the original question, as well as the references below for Islamic Scholars.
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this answer belong only to: the author, any concurring Ulama’ and the senior approving Muftis – they do not in any way represent or reflect the views of any institutions to which he may be affiliated.
Arguments and ideas propounded in this answer are based on the juristic interpretations and reasoning of the author. Given that many juristic issues and their interpretations are subjective in nature, another Mufti may reach different conclusions to the one expressed by the author. Whilst every effort has been taken to ensure total accuracy and soundness from a Shari’ah perspective, the author is open to any correction or juristic guidance. In the event of any juristic shortcomings, the author will retract any or all of the conclusions expressed within this answer.
The Shari’ah ruling given herein is based specifically on the scenario in question. The author bears no responsibility towards any party that acts or does not act on this answer and is exempted from any and all forms of loss or damage. This answer may not be used as evidence in any court of law without prior written consent from the author. Consideration is only given and is restricted to the specific links provided, the author does not endorse nor approve of any other content the website may contain.